Have you ever had a relationship with someone who was truly suffering? Did you feel helpless to do anything about it? Did you choose avoiding that suffering person instead?
Yeah, me too. I know how you must have felt, because I’ve felt the same way at times myself. In addition, from June 26 to September 26 last year, those who know me well know I suffered a debilitating quarter enduring a relentless and very painful illness. But let me share with you two better ways I noticed my best friends helping me and what I in turn learned about how to deal with people who are suffering.
Most of us caring people are problem solvers. When we see ourselves or our loved ones having a problem, all we want to do is help them solve their problem. When most people cannot help solve someone else’s problem, they tend to avoid that person and their problem all together.
The proper things to do to relate with someone about their suffering, however, are:
- To turn toward the sufferer
- To share with the sufferer their work to reclaim and refocus their suffering.
We will discuss how to turn toward the person and his or her problem in this Part 1 and then discuss refocusing and reclaiming in Part 2.
Turning toward the suffer and the suffering means doing the following things:
- Recognize the sufferer and the suffering
- Express an interest in the person’s suffering
- Meaningfully become more present and engaged
Recognizing a person’s suffering is not always as easy as it sounds. Some people try to suffer silently. So taking the first step of recognizing that person and their suffering takes a bit of doing. You have to scratch down below the surface of your relationship dig a tunnel so to speak between the two of you to be a conduit to enter that person’s world of suffering by doing the following things:
- Look at the person
- Listen attentively to what he or she is saying
- Transition to the second step of turning toward the person and expressing an interest in his or her suffering
Expressing an interest in the details of a person’s suffering is not always easy for either you or the sufferer. He or she may be discomforted talking about their own suffering because they feel stygmatized or shamed by it. The best thing to do is jump all the way to the chase and ask, “What’s the worst part of this whole deal for you?”
The third part of turning toward your person’s suffering, meaningfully becoming more present and engaged, is the most important and most difficult part of all. You have to immediately and intentionally focus on the person’s suffering as they experience it even when it is horrible and troubling to both of you. Do not try to objectify it, reorient it, or recategorize it. Instead, do this things:
- Be with the sufferer
- Bear witness to his or her suffering
- Stand fast in compassionate solidarity with your person even as he or she is suffering
- Be humble by never saying “I understand,” because unless you are feeling the suffering, you cannot possibly understand it. Instead, say something like, “I can only imagine what you are going through.
Dealing with suffering is not a light and happy thing. It is, however, part of life. The name of this blog is Great! All the Time!; not just Great!, But Only When It’s Easy!
Some of our people suffer. Sometimes we suffer. It’s how we apply all our types of resources to the suffering that makes us Great! All the time! even despite suffering and despair.
[reminder]When was the last time you saw someone suffering?[/reminder]
Until we meet again in Part 2, remember, you GOTTABGATT!, so go out there today and be Great! All the time!